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The starship’s planetfall was in the fall

Jill and Bill decided to take the express bus into Glasgow and go for a nice meal before the opera. It was early evening in late October, and the light was beginning to fade; the street lights came on, and the cars were using their headlights. As they crossed the road, just outside Victoria park, the street lights failed, and cars came to a sudden halt.

In the sky could be seen a beacon of light, and a loud sound that resembled the noise of ten jumbo jets. As the light came closer, and the noise increased, Jill and Bill couldn’t believe their eyes. They looked at each other, then at the sky. It was still there! An enormous spaceship was landing over the expressway. To say they were frightened would be an understatement.

There suddenly appeared two people, who looked human. They were dressed in white suits, which appeared to shimmer as they moved. They looked as bemused as the onlookers.

‘Where are we? Is this the fifth dimension of the inter galaxy?’

Jill and Bill approached the ship, and informed them that they had landed in Whiteinch, Glasgow

‘Where are you from, and what do you want?’

‘Our mission was preset by the great one on our planet, the planet subterfuge. We were sent to collect a package, from a place called England, in the fifth dimension. We were told we would know this package, by its appearance; a blob, with a mop of scraggy hair, and who will blow hot air every time his mouth opens. We have not to believe a word he says, as he is a stranger to the truth. He is a delusional creature, believing himself to be better than anyone, to the extent that he merely quotes a mish-mash of Shakespeare and classical greek sound bites. He is known by many names; spaffer, lard arse and Billy Bunter. Do you know where we can find him? His time in this dimension is over, and the great one wishes his return to base.’

‘His mission was to cause as much confusion and discord amongst the political classes, and to pit man against man-he has done well, having achieved all he set out to do. The problem is, he is enjoying this mission so much, that he wishes to remain.’

Jill informed these strangers that they had landed in Scotland, not England.

‘His official name is Boris Johnson, and he resides wherever he can lay his fat arse for free. At the moment, he resides in a £20M mansion, with his family. Do you need them too?’

'Oh no, this man spreads himself far and wide; they can remain with the rest of his seed and chattels. We only require him. He has a new mission assigned to him, but for some strange reason, we are unable to pin him down.’

‘At the moment he is in USA, having dinner with another gaslighter-Donald Trump.’

‘That name sounds familiar, let me look it up in our database. Oh, he is our next mission; maybe we can kill two birds with the one stone.’

They found the co-ordinates for their next mission, and reset their destination. On that note, the starship closed, and left as quickly as it arrived.

The streetlights came back on, and the cars started up. Everyone wondered what had happened, but they remembered nothing.

The next day, a news flash reported the disappearance of Boris Johnson and Donald Trump. They were having dinner at a plush restaurant in New York City. Others at the restaurant reported a loud noise, and seeing a flash of light, just above the two men’s table. One moment they were there, and then, poof, they were gone.

There’s a rumour floating about, that they were abducted by aliens, but then again, maybe they just don’t want to be found.

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